Ok I’m sorry that I have been unhealthily obsessive with the Bachelorette and Jillian Harris and Ed Swiderski AND Lindsey Johnson AND many other Ed Swiderski-related females, but hey, you have gotta admit that this whole is worth a Wiki Current Event Page. In fact, I will go make one right now.

So this morning I woke up to a test message from my friend Carrie over at MyShimmer that the whole Bachelorette clan is showing up on ABC. I went online and there it was, J+E on ABC:

Jillian Harris: lalala, I have a stylist and a makeup artist and I look lovely lalala

Ed Swiderski: WTF am I doing here?! Dude I just wanted to get laid that’s all, that chick called me and said if i flew back to Chicago I could get some action, so you can’t really blame me for trying. Look this chick here is pretty darn smoking hot:

(note to self: how sad it is when your introduction on national tv is Ed’s College Sweetheart????!!!! Like seriously? Would you put that on your LinkedIn profile?!)

Lindsey Johnson: Well, I’m a little older, my eye makeup slightly trashy in a DIY way, and my hair is a gigantic fuss and I could really use some MoroccanOil endorsement, BUT look, I’m the college sweetheart, and you are the girl who slept with 3 guys in your creepy Fantasy Suite in 12 hours!

Jillian Harris: Look biatch, I have the hair and a ton of blush on my face and honestly I look pretty darn good on TV AND I know Ed has been screwing around – in fact we talk about it and share our experiences of sleeping with multiple people at the same time in our Fantasy Suite. You get it, Fantasy Suite! Suck it biatch!

If they are gonna make Jill and Ed Plus Eight I’m so gonna tivo every single episode of it. J+E+8! Someone start writing to ABC for the next show!!

Wow today is going to be a Jillian Harris Day and you have no idea how annoying that really is to me. When your MOTHER is calling you about how she loves Jillian Harris’ makeup, it’s like facing the end of the world as you know it alone. Like facing a tsunami on your own. Or something like that. You know what I mean?

Anyways, I’ve gotta admit, however, that Jillian Harris’ makeup at least has one amazing attribute to it that is practical, show-relevant, and you all wannabe sluts out there could really learn from her. Ladies and gentlemen, the wonder of longlasting lipsticks! Check this out:

and she still bounces around looking this pouty:

So you’ve gotta love this girl’s lipsticks. That’s some very heavy lip exercise we are talking about here you know.

I have gotten TOO many requests and responses to my newly found semi-hostile obsession towards Jillian Harris from the Bachelorette, and some of them involve “why are you bashing Jillian she has perfect makeup on all the time and i love her outfits she and Ed are SO cute together and gonna be producing cute babies so soon and i’m making a youtube video tribute to them WHY DO YOU HATE THEM??”

Ok, just to clarify, I don’t hate Jillian Harris. It’s just that when I got a request “can you cover how to do Jillian Harris’ makeup?” I was like, REALLY?! You really want to have skin and makeup like this woman here?

Because I kinda don’t. Geez.

Ed Swiderski: Honey do you have to put up that pout on TV? You’ve been doing that throughout the entire Bachelorette show and I just thought I should at least tell you now.

Jillian Harris: Hmmmmm. Muah. My makeup is awesome. Even after making out with 3 guys in my Fantasy Suite in 12 hours.

Ed Swiderski: Hun the pout that I was talking about…

Jillian Harris: Oh shut up. You are the one who couldn’t get it up after all remember?

Ed Swiderski: I…

Jillian Harris: Sssshhhhh now shut up and just rub some oil up my thighs already. Is it really true that you are asexual or gay or something?

I personally don’t understand the hype about Jillian Harris (but I am in love with Ed Swinderski’s Mankini – I am all about Mankinis), and I think her “beauty” and “hotness” are completely overrated, which explains why all these guys all look like “WTF Why is this happening” when she tried to take them all to the Fantasy Suite. And then I started snooping around and going over pictures and then I finally understood why I had a bad feeling about this Bachelorette:

Ladies and gentlemen, This is Kelly Killoren Bensimon from the Real Housewives of New York City – aka Jillian Harris in 10 years. The more relevant part is not her runaway breasts (surprisingly), but the fact that she got on the Real Housewives show after getting a divorce (and there I thought you need to be married to be a wife and a wife to be a housewife, but apparently I was wrong) and then she also got arrest for assaulting her boyfriend and scratching his face. I mean, yo Jillian Harris, you probably should starting prepping for auditioning for the Real Housewives of Chicago really, really soon. And don’t forget to bring along those runaway breasts.